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My First Review

The time honored review. For thousands of years it has allowed unqualified, unintelligent men and women the ability to criticize things they have no business even thinking about. So with that in mind I shall review something so great that no person has ever dared review it…TELEVISION. Not one specific show, not a certain brand, make, or model. I won’t compare LCD to plasma, flat to round, big to small. No, this is bigger than any of that. I review TELEVISION the medium. Hold on to your keyboard, you’re not going to like everything you read.

Television raised me, it taught me my ABCs, how to count, how to act socially, and even how to love. (In thirty minute chunks and I do my best work after eight) So know, that as I write this it comes out of a place of love, there is no hatred in this post. With that said we’ll start with the rating…bum, bum,bum,bum…bum…bum. I give it a 4 out 10 fuzzy channels. I know its low, really low. A 4 is below 5 and just barely above 3. That is a vast improvement from where it started though and I can only hope that it will continue to get better. And it’s not all TV’s fault, we all need to take a step back and look at what we’ve done, lest we do it again.
TV is democracy at its most raw. If a show doesn’t get viewers, it’s quickly cancelled never to be seen or heard from again. This makes TV a perfect reflection of us and lately it’s looking less like the prom queen and more like your prom date. (she was a four you know it) While I don’t expect Television to be pristine and clean, I do expect it to be dignified or at least not dropping a baby in the dumpster behind the gym before the first dance. And that brings us to our first problem.
I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT: What the fuck, WTF, What the fuck? This is a real show, it is made by dozens of dedicated professionals, thousands upon thousands of dollars are put into each episode, its shot through fucking space before it reaches your house, it is no small effort, people are making this on purpose. Let me sum up the show for you with this simple equation: Fat + Stupid = baby in a toilet. That is pretty much every episode. I won’t comment on the situation anymore than that. What bothers me is that this is presented to you for your entertainment and even more disturbing its on Discovery Health. This would be a channel that pretends to want to educate you. Stop watching this shit, it’s bad for you. Discovery Health should make a show about shit like this making you dumber. Whoever came up with this show should be killed, this brings us to our next problem.
PEOPLE SHOULDN’T DIE FOR US TO MAKE TV: Never should the premise of a show require that someone die. It doesn’t matter that its cheap to make because our legal system makes court hearings public property. I doubt when laws were made regarding the open and translucent legal system, that lawmakers had true crime TV in mind. A translucent legal system is required for a free nation to exist, people must be able to make sure that court proceedings are on the up and up, but people do not need a thirty minute murder mystery based on someone’s dead son or daughter. And more over the court doesn’t need to happily hand over evidence, crime scene photos, and tapes. This is bad TV, I should know I have made hours of it. (yeah yeah I know it’s hypocritical of me, but leaving out would be too, so shut up) Lets all make a deal right now, if someone you know dies don’t go on TV and fucking talk about it to anyone other than a legitimate news source and only if its legitimate news…
NEWS: On any given day the world generates roughly two hours of useful news. This means that 22 hours of 24 hour news channels are filler or the same two hours 12 times. Head Line News at least doesn’t try to hide it. Here is how you know when there is too much news on TV, networks come up with things like “The beer Summit”, “Benifer”, and you know more about John and Kate’s marriage than your own. We just need to back up off this shit a little bit. Just a little, I’m not saying all you need is a newspaper, I would never encourage reading. (other than this blog) I am getting too tired for a clever segue at this point and I doubt anyone is still reading…
IT IS GETTING BETTER THOUGH: As bad as TV is now it used to be a -4. Never let an older person sit down and tell you that “Two and a half men is too dirty” or that “lost has too much sex”. Back when TV first started and “The greatest generation” was watching and minorities weren’t allowed on it unless to serve a white person. Will and Grace may have had some trashy humor, but at least it wasn’t you 1970s gay joke that required short shorts, and a poodle. You may get a little upset over some of Sponge Bob Squar Pants fart jokes, but at least he won’t introduce children to anyone name Hooey Fooey or some other terrible stereotype.
And that my friends is all the bad I will ever speak of Television. I will only draw your attention to the good from here on out. There are too many other people happy to bash someone’s hard work. Instead I will endeavor to sit through hours and hours of crap to hopefully find you the diamonds in the turds. I will only review the good and never any shows that break my rules or Television laid down for you in great length above.
Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Neal
    August 26, 2009 at 1:25 am

    Television sucks.

  2. DaverJ
    August 26, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Billy rules.

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